Announcing the most frightful brand name of 2011… the Head Scratcher of the Year goes to…

Ironically, the global search for Eat My Words‘ annual Head Scratcher of the Year winner produced the disastrous mash-up of those very two words global + search: Glearch. This trainwreck of two perfectly good words is without a doubt, the worst brand name of 2011. Honorable mention goes to Qwikster (died a quik death), Helishopter (what the heli were they thinking?), and Fooducate (so similar to fornicate, it sounds like something you could be arrested for if you did it in the aisle of your local Safeway).

The unanimous response to Glearch is it conjures up terrifying images of Lurch, the freakishly tall and ghoulish manservant from the Addam’s Family, who never spoke, using only grunts, sighs, or simple gesticulations. This is never a good thing. Glearch also reminds people of the word, lurch, which has many unfortunate definitions. And it’s hard to spell… Glerch, Glurch, Glurruch… you shouldn’t need a search engine to find Glearch. Duh.

We admit that Glearch is actually a pretty cool tool. It lets you search by country, language, and/or by search engine. Clearly someone very smart created it. Unfortunately they were not as skilled when it came to creating the name. As with past Head Scratcher winners, including Xobni, Speesees, Shwowp, and Shryk, we suspect Glearch was the result of a drunken Scrabble game. Tip: Just because a domain name is available on GoDaddy for $9.95 does not mean that is what you should name your company.

As the winner of Eat My Words’ 2011 Head Scratcher of the Year award, Glearch will receive a freakishly tall gold plated trophy. (We’re also happy to give them some complimentary name consulting should they decide to glearch for a new name.)

Special props go to super sleuth Charles Knight, of AltSearchEngines, who tipped us off to the name Glearch, along with dozens of others clunkers, over the past few months. Charles suggested a new definition for Glearch: a verb meaning, to turn something wonderful into something terrible. We submitted “glearch” and its new definition to the Urban Dictionary, where you can now find it listed.

Please continue to send us bad names for our 2012 Head Scratcher contest. And if you want to make sure the next brand name you come up with doesn’t win that freakishly tall trophy, take the Eat My Words SMILE & SCRATCH name evaluation test to see if your name sucks. Of course, please contact us right away if your name does indeed suck. Operators are standing by.

What kind of sick company names a product in honor of a Nazi death camp?

Trust me. There is nothing even remotely funny about a gas chamber. My 1999 visit to the Bergen Belsen concentration camp in northern Germany was hands-down the most sobering experience of my life and one of the most unforgettable travel experiences I’ve ever had. I was reading The Diary of Anne Frank at the time and it was all too real seeing where she died. Imagining the horror of what she and 50,000 innocent people were subjected to there is beyond comprehension. What kind of sick company would intentionally name a product in honor of a place where such unspeakable crimes against humanity were committed?  The British clothing label Evil Twin, makers of the “Belsen Was a Gas Military Parka.” This name goes beyond bad taste. It’s absolutely shameful.

Make sure your brand name (Alexis Couture) isn’t the same name as a drag queen and a P0RN STAR.

Oh dear God! My favorite sexy blonde housewife, Alexis Bellino (aka “Jesus Barbie”) of Bravo TV’s Real Housewives of Orange County, has made the ultimate naming sin – according to my research on Boobpedia and Power Diva Productions, her new clothing line, “Alexis Couture” is the same name as a BBW adult entertainment actress and a Detroit drag queen (who by the way has held the title of “Miss Malebox.”) Talk about a name that sucks! WWJD? (For all of you heathens out there, WWJD stands for “What Would Jesus Do?”)

Naming Tip #1: Alexis, sometimes it’s okay to share brand names (e.g. Ford Explorer & Internet Explorer, Ace Hardware & Ace Bandages) but as a devout Christian, you shouldn’t be associated with brands that God forbid get confused with yours.

Naming Tip #2: When you are naming a business, make sure to do a Google check first and of course use a trademark attorney to cover your assets. (Page 1 Google results revealed the drag queen Alexis Couture, pictured here. I had to go a little deeper to find Alexis Couture the p0rn star.)

Naming Tip #3: Don’t do it yourself – hire a naming agency run by your superfan. Honestly Alexis, if you need a new name, the stylish women of my naming agency, Eat My Words, would love to help you… I personally am a diehard fan of the show – and I love your couture designs – with and without the sleeves chopped off.

Naming Tip #4: If you are crowd-sourcing your logo with a design contest, make sure whatever you are naming your business is “free and clear” before you have your identity designed. All of those poor designers are spending hours doing work that will never be selected (unless you dare to use that name, which I think is a massive mistake considering it would tarnish your good name and squeaky-clean reputation). You’re better off hiring a professional identity designer any way. You wouldn’t want to crowd source a dress design? Think of a professional designer as “couture” logo design.

Regardless of if you hire us to name your business, do yourself a favor and run your new name through the free Eat My Words SMILE & SCRATCH name evaluation test (as featured in The Wall Street Journal).

Best of luck to you!
Your superfan, Alexandra Watkins
Chief Innovation Officer
Eat My Words

Announcing the worst brand name of 2010…

Putting the “wow” in bad spelling and impossible pronunciation, is Shwowp, Eat My Words’ Head Scratcher of the Year Winner for the worst brand name of 2010.

It was a heated competition with other contenders including Retardex Toothpaste (need we say more), Morongo Casino (where ‘morons go’ to gamble?), and iSwipe (say it out loud). But after many sleepless nights, cupcake bribes and consulting with the show’s producers, the hands-down winner was Shwowp.

Shwoop (oops, Shwowp), is actually a cool service – it helps shwowppers get a grip on their online shwowpping history. (Something that we here at Eat My Words need to help manage our shoe shwowpping obsession.) We suspect this name was the result of a drunken Scrabble game.

TIP: Just because a domain name is available on GoDaddy for $9.95 does not mean that is what you should name your company.

Showop (oops, we did it again) is ridiculously hard to spell and pronounced differently by everyone we asked. Check out our Google search results when we tried to find it under “Shwoop”…
Did you mean: shoop
Did you mean: shop
Showing results for shooby doo wop
Showing results for shoo wop. Search instead for showowop
Showing results for shwowp. Search instead for showowp

Finally! After all that guesswork and brain wracking we were too exhausted to continue. This name not only makes our head spin, it severely violates the Eat My Words SMILE & SCRATCH name evaluation test:

SMILE - the 5 qualities of a powerful name
Simple – easy-to-understand – No
Meaningful – customers “get it” – No, they get a headache
Imagery – creates a mental picture – Not a good one
Legs – wordplay opportunities – No, total dead end
Emotional – entertains, engages, etc. – No, “enrages” is not an emotion you want to evoke, especially from Eat My Words

SCRATCH it off the list if it has any of these 7 deal-breakers
Spelling-challenged – Absolutely!
Copycat – similar to competitor’s names – Totally – ShamWow!
Random – disconnected from the brand – Uh…
Annoying – hidden meaning, forced – Forced like a train wreck
Tame – flat, uninspired, boring – We think so
Curse of Knowledge – only insiders get it – Does anybody get it?
Hard-to-pronounce – With spit-up in your mouth, yes

TIP: Every time you have to spell, pronounce or explain your name to someone, you are essentially apologizing for it, which weakens and devalues your brand.

As a gesture of goodwill, Shwowp will be awarded a pink and gold Head Scratcher of the Year trophy, from the nice people at Eat My Words. (We’re also happy to give them some free name consulting should they decide to shwowp for a new name.)

Special props go to Robin Wolaner our #1 Name Scout, for sending us this submission. Robin’s always on the hunt for Head Scratchers and is a frequent contributor to our Facebook fan page. She’s also responsible for submitting last year’s winner – Speecees – an unfortunately named baby clothing company.

TIP: your brand name should not rhyme with “feces.”

This year, Robin was awarded a Have a Nice Day bouquet of flowers (because her name always makes us smile) and a genuine Head Scratcher massager, which we just popped in the mail this morning. (Creepy guy not included.)

Please continue to send us bad names for our 2011 Head Scratcher contest. And if you’re naming a business and want to make sure your own brand name doesn’t appear here next year, go here to see if your name sucks.

We-bonics

Dating websites have some of the weirdest names. We thought Zoosk was bad but this one really threw me for a loop: howaboutwe.com. I thought they couldn’t get the domain “howboutus.com” so they we’re going for a grammatically incorrect name. The site reveals “How About We…” is the actual name, but not having an ellipse in the domain throws people off. Thanks to our #1 name scout, Robin Wolaner, for alerting us to this Head Scracther.

If you’re looking for love, go to www.jazzed.com, the new dating we named for eHarmony.

Vote for the worst brand name of the year in our catty Headscratcher Contest

Vote for the worst brand name of 2009 in our third annual Headscratcher of the Year contest. Past winners include Xobni and Shryk. How can you tell if a name sucks? It’s hard to spell, pronounce, decipher, meaningless to the audience, void of emotion, a copycat, or just gives you the heebie jeebies. (See the Eat My Words SMILE & SCRATCH Test for more criteria.)

Vote as many times as you like, and please share this with your friends. The winner will be announced in early February and be awarded a hideously ugly Head Scratcher of the Year trophy, compliments of Eat My Words.

Kraft cans iSnack 2.0

Kitchen Sink fan Igal Gabbay tipped us off to this naming mistake from our friends down under…

Vegemite maker Kraft Foods has binned the name of its new product line iSnack 2.0.

In a statement this afternoon, the company said it had listened to the public and would go back to the drawing board.

An announcement about another name will be made on Friday.

“We have been overwhelmed by the passion for Vegemite and the new product,” said Kraft Foods Australia/New Zealand head of corporate affairs, Simon Talbot.

“The new name has simply not resonated with Australians. Particularly the modern technical aspects associated with it.”

iSnack 2.0 was chosen from 48,000 suggestions made as part of a public naming competition run by the company.

It has been roundly lambasted by the consumer public, however, spawning Facebook hate groups, blogs and angry Tweets on micro-blogging site Twitter.

T-shirts trashing the name have also gone on sale on the internet.

Vegemite has been manufactured in Australia since 1923. The new variant, launched in July under a ‘Name Me’ label, includes a cream cheese blend to make it more spreadable.

Kraft has denied the naming disaster was an attempt to gain free publicity for the product, which was due to go on sale with the new label today.

“At no point in time has the new Vegemite name been about initiating a media publicity stunt,” Mr Talbot said.

“We are proud custodians of Vegemite, and have always been aware that it is the people’s brand and a national icon.

“Our Kraft Foods storeroom currently has thousands of jars of the iSnack2.0 named Vegemite. This product will be distributed around Australia, and will continue to be sold in supermarkets for months to come – until Australia decides upon a new name.”

Consumers in Australia and New Zealand will get another go at choosing a name, he said.

“Please bear with us for the next 48 hours as we finalise how Australians and New Zealanders can decide the new name through an independent popularity vote.”

New "Head Scratcher of the Year" Contender: Chyngle

You would have to be really thirsty to drink this…

A photo submitted from our pal Rich Binell of Get Rich Quick!

I must confess that truuconfessions is a truuly dreadful name.

Regular Kitchen Sink contributor Robin Wolaner of TeeBeeDee tipped us off to this truuly dreadful name, truuconfessions, which was clearly the result of someone thinking they were being clever by snagging the domain name for $9.95 on GoDaddy. (The correct spelling, www.trueconfessions.com is parked – why not just pony up the money and save yourselves the nightmare of having to say, “That’s ‘true’ with two u’s and no e” every time they tell someone the name. Painfuul.) Too bad the name is so bad as truuconfessions provides hours of fun… Here are some confessions I found under different categories:

Military Wife: I shop too much while my husband is gone. (Posted by “anonymous”)

Office: If you say “cool beany weenies” one more time I’m going to staple your mouth shut. Your 40 years old, come on! (Posted by “anonymous”)

Mom: It drives me crazy when childless people say “I love my dogs like I would love my kid”. How do you know? You don’t have a kid off which to base that statement. (Posted by “anonymous”)

Bride: I want to kill my MOH! She insisted I try false eyelashes on my wedding day and I foolishly listened to her and had a woman I’d never met come over to put them on. It was such a disaster – I had glue all over my eyelids and I looked like a transvestite with clumpy black long FAKE lashes!!!! (Posted by “anonymous”)

Wife: My husband is pissed at me for not making the kids mow the lawn before he came home from work. (Posted by “anonymous”)