Announcing the most frightful brand name of 2011… the Head Scratcher of the Year goes to…

Ironically, the global search for Eat My Words‘ annual Head Scratcher of the Year winner produced the disastrous mash-up of those very two words global + search: Glearch. This trainwreck of two perfectly good words is without a doubt, the worst brand name of 2011. Honorable mention goes to Qwikster (died a quik death), Helishopter (what the heli were they thinking?), and Fooducate (so similar to fornicate, it sounds like something you could be arrested for if you did it in the aisle of your local Safeway).

The unanimous response to Glearch is it conjures up terrifying images of Lurch, the freakishly tall and ghoulish manservant from the Addam’s Family, who never spoke, using only grunts, sighs, or simple gesticulations. This is never a good thing. Glearch also reminds people of the word, lurch, which has many unfortunate definitions. And it’s hard to spell… Glerch, Glurch, Glurruch… you shouldn’t need a search engine to find Glearch. Duh.

We admit that Glearch is actually a pretty cool tool. It lets you search by country, language, and/or by search engine. Clearly someone very smart created it. Unfortunately they were not as skilled when it came to creating the name. As with past Head Scratcher winners, including Xobni, Speesees, Shwowp, and Shryk, we suspect Glearch was the result of a drunken Scrabble game. Tip: Just because a domain name is available on GoDaddy for $9.95 does not mean that is what you should name your company.

As the winner of Eat My Words’ 2011 Head Scratcher of the Year award, Glearch will receive a freakishly tall gold plated trophy. (We’re also happy to give them some complimentary name consulting should they decide to glearch for a new name.)

Special props go to super sleuth Charles Knight, of AltSearchEngines, who tipped us off to the name Glearch, along with dozens of others clunkers, over the past few months. Charles suggested a new definition for Glearch: a verb meaning, to turn something wonderful into something terrible. We submitted “glearch” and its new definition to the Urban Dictionary, where you can now find it listed.

Please continue to send us bad names for our 2012 Head Scratcher contest. And if you want to make sure the next brand name you come up with doesn’t win that freakishly tall trophy, take the Eat My Words SMILE & SCRATCH name evaluation test to see if your name sucks. Of course, please contact us right away if your name does indeed suck. Operators are standing by.

You should get yourself to Rehab

A few months ago we got a call from entrepreneur Veeno Suchdeve of West Babylon, New York. He was opening a self-serve frozen yogurt store at the mall and wanted a more provocative name than Spoon Me, which is quite possibly the best name ever created by Eat My Words. Veeno asked us to create a name he could monetize with branded merchandise that would appeal to teenage mallrats and bring in cold, hard cash. This was a hard order to fill, but we were up for the challenge. I immediately thought of the name Self Gratification, but Veeno thought it was a little too edgy. Then, inspired by my longtime addiction to frozen yogurt, aversion to alcohol, and fascination with Lindsey Lohan, I came up with the name Rehab. It was fun, fresh and scored 100% on the SMILE & SCRATCH test. (Rena created the equally fun tagline, “Get your fix.”) And our 12-stepper friends assured us that they didn’t find the name or tagline offensive or mean-spirited. We absolutely love the playful identity design, which was created by our talented go-to designer, John Luckett. By turning the R into an Rx symbol with a spoon, the logo instantly communicates that Rehab is related to food. (Hopefully no one interprets it as a coke, crack, or smack spoon.) If the name Rehab makes you smile, please show them some love and “like” them on their new Facebook page.

Crib Notes

We have been busy cooking up names for everything from caveman food to church software to consumer electronics. Our clients are choosing some fantastic names and having tremendous success in trademarking. We’ll let you know as soon as we can take them out of the Easy Bake Oven. Our superstar namer Gina (not to be confused with Rena, below), just had the ultimate creative challenge – naming her new baby. Congrats to Gina and Jeff on the birth of Graydon Peressni Clarke, born 9/22/11. Outside the office, I’ve been doing a lot of public speaking, including engagements at the Chamber of Commerce and Rocket Space. If you belong to a group that might enjoy my entertaining presentation, “How to Create Brand Names with Buzz,” please let me know. Finally, I rented our former digs to some colorful tenants and have completely transformed the loft from the Eat My Words office into the pimped out “Candyland Crib.” Before we moved, I rented it out for a few hours to Swaggaville Entertainment to shoot rapper Metro P’s new video. Of course I spent the entire $1000 rental fee on bling.

Swing by our new digs at Embarcadero Four

We’re all moved in to our new stylin’ space on the 14th floor of Embarcadero 4, across the street from the Ferry Building. Please note our new addy: 4 Embarcadero Center, Suite 1400, SF CA 94111. Phone # is the same: Office: 415-552-7741. As you can see, we brought a lot of our funky furnishings from our old space, including the stuffed animal sofa and Moon Rocket. We love being in the hotbed of San Francisco business, exploring endless new places to eat, watching daredevil zipliners fly through the air, and of course being walking distance to our downtown clients like Riverbed Technology, Orrick, Del Monte, and Hotel Vitale. A nice surprise was discovering that we have a bird’s eye view of the beautiful flocks of green parrots who swoop down from Telegraph Hill every afternoon to nest in the treetops below. Speaking of flying, The Blue Angels are in town next week and we expect to see them whizzing by our windows. Let us know if you’re in the neighborhood and want to fly by, too. We’re easily accessible by BART, Muni, streetcar, bus, car, bike, rollerskates, ferry, speedboat, rocketship and helicopter.

Debbie Does More Than Dallas…

If you’ve ever been stuck in voicemail hell, it may have been the voice of Debbie Irwin who told you to “Press 9 for customer service.” The voice of the Statue of Liberty, Debbie is one of most interesting people I’ve ever met. A former NYC stockbroker, she left Wall Street for Sesame Street when she started to have kids. After they were grown, she took a class in voiceovers and was not only hooked, she was hired. You can hear her voice on countless commercials, corporate videos, audio books, webspots, eLearning programs and more. Debbie Irwin the person is highly memorable. Unfortunately her business name, Debbie Irwin Voiceovers, was kinda forgettable. It didn’t shout out among her competitors or evoke her playful sense of humor. By rebranding her as Debbie Does Voiceovers, we gave her an instantly likable, loud, and unforgettable name that her clients love and love to talk about.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was…

If you’ve seen our cute little pink fridge business card, you’ve seen the work of Cindy Lee, a former designer and creative director who discovered that she is even better at sales than she is at design. For the past few years, Cindy was the top sales person for On Request Images (ORI), a company that shoots custom photo libraries for global brands. The name On Request Images is so clunky and generic – it could apply to any photography service. So when Cindy branched out on her own to form a similar company, she tapped us to create a distinctive name that shed light on what her company provides. I thought it was a no-brainer that “Libraries” should be in the name. And “Lightbox” was a much more interesting and unexpected word than “photography” or “images.” Together, Lightbox Libraries communicates what her service is in a much more distinctive and ownable way than On Request Images.

What kind of sick company names a product in honor of a Nazi death camp?

Trust me. There is nothing even remotely funny about a gas chamber. My 1999 visit to the Bergen Belsen concentration camp in northern Germany was hands-down the most sobering experience of my life and one of the most unforgettable travel experiences I’ve ever had. I was reading The Diary of Anne Frank at the time and it was all too real seeing where she died. Imagining the horror of what she and 50,000 innocent people were subjected to there is beyond comprehension. What kind of sick company would intentionally name a product in honor of a place where such unspeakable crimes against humanity were committed?  The British clothing label Evil Twin, makers of the “Belsen Was a Gas Military Parka.” This name goes beyond bad taste. It’s absolutely shameful.

Nab your personal brand name free on About.Me

If you haven’t nabbed your “personal brand” name yet on About.Me do it now before someone else beats you to it. This is the most professional way I’ve seen to consolidate (and track) your online presence. And signing up is fast and free.

About.Me has a beautifully clean design and they make it so simple, anyone (even a PC user) can make their page look cool. (It’s the opposite of a cluttered MySpace page.)

Just like a Twitter handle, email addy, or domain name, it’s important when someone types in your name they get YOU (as opposed to a drag queen or adult film star.) Take it from us at naming agency Eat My Words – all the cool kids are doing it! Even if you don’t use it now, you’ll want it later.

Luckily I beat all of these other Alexandra Watkins’ to the punch…

Make sure your brand name (Alexis Couture) isn’t the same name as a drag queen and a P0RN STAR.

Oh dear God! My favorite sexy blonde housewife, Alexis Bellino (aka “Jesus Barbie”) of Bravo TV’s Real Housewives of Orange County, has made the ultimate naming sin – according to my research on Boobpedia and Power Diva Productions, her new clothing line, “Alexis Couture” is the same name as a BBW adult entertainment actress and a Detroit drag queen (who by the way has held the title of “Miss Malebox.”) Talk about a name that sucks! WWJD? (For all of you heathens out there, WWJD stands for “What Would Jesus Do?”)

Naming Tip #1: Alexis, sometimes it’s okay to share brand names (e.g. Ford Explorer & Internet Explorer, Ace Hardware & Ace Bandages) but as a devout Christian, you shouldn’t be associated with brands that God forbid get confused with yours.

Naming Tip #2: When you are naming a business, make sure to do a Google check first and of course use a trademark attorney to cover your assets. (Page 1 Google results revealed the drag queen Alexis Couture, pictured here. I had to go a little deeper to find Alexis Couture the p0rn star.)

Naming Tip #3: Don’t do it yourself – hire a naming agency run by your superfan. Honestly Alexis, if you need a new name, the stylish women of my naming agency, Eat My Words, would love to help you… I personally am a diehard fan of the show – and I love your couture designs – with and without the sleeves chopped off.

Naming Tip #4: If you are crowd-sourcing your logo with a design contest, make sure whatever you are naming your business is “free and clear” before you have your identity designed. All of those poor designers are spending hours doing work that will never be selected (unless you dare to use that name, which I think is a massive mistake considering it would tarnish your good name and squeaky-clean reputation). You’re better off hiring a professional identity designer any way. You wouldn’t want to crowd source a dress design? Think of a professional designer as “couture” logo design.

Regardless of if you hire us to name your business, do yourself a favor and run your new name through the free Eat My Words SMILE & SCRATCH name evaluation test (as featured in The Wall Street Journal).

Best of luck to you!
Your superfan, Alexandra Watkins
Chief Innovation Officer
Eat My Words

Choosing a Company Name: 5 Things You Need to Know

AOL Small Business recently tapped Alexandra as the featured brand name expert in an article for small business owners. Regardless of the size of your business, if you’re naming a company, be sure to read these helpful naming tips.

“Choosing a Company Name: 5 Things You Need to Know.”

By Julia L. Rogers

Choosing a solid, compelling name for your company is one of the first — and probably one of the most challenging — tasks you’ll face as an entrepreneur. After all, a great deal of a company’s success can ride on its name. An imaginative name that speaks volumes about the value of your products and services can stick in the mind of everyone who hears it. On the other hand, an ill-chosen name can push your business into obscurity and cost time and money to rebrand down the road.

Looking for a head-turning company name that resonates with customers? Here are five things you need to know.

1. Identify what makes your company unique. Small-business owners need to pay attention to what other people in their industry are doing and find ways to differentiate themselves — and that starts with their company name. The most successful companies are able to highlight their uniqueness and solidly go in their own direction. When naming a company, you also need to have a clear mission statement. For example, when Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin began, they wanted to name their search engine “Googol” in reference to the vast amount of information it could search, since a “googol” is the number 1 followed by 100 zeros. They felt it perfectly reflected their mission to organize the infinite amount of information that could be found on the Internet. However, an investor misspelled the name “Google” on their first check, leading them to change their name, which of course now has become not only an iconic business name, but also a verb used to describe the process of finding anything on the Web.

2. Embrace creativity. Using imagery that creates a poignant mental picture is key to developing a great company name, according to Alexandra Watkins of Eat My Words, a San Francisco-based business-naming firm. Watkins says Eat My Words has a “SMILE and SCRATCH” test to gauge a name’s greatness. “A name should make you smile instead of scratch your head,” she says. Watkins emphasizes that company names are better when they aren’t overly business-oriented, and that stepping outside stuffy conference rooms is the only way to create names that will strike an emotional chord and make real connections with customers. “Take Verizon or Accenture,” Watkins says. “It’s hard to be fun with that. We’re so bombarded with words, advertising and TV that names really need to stand out by making emotional connections. People should smile or think to themselves, ‘That’s clever.’ The name and the brand should empower them.”

Creative misspellings aren’t always effective and can be confusing to potential customers and even bungle Internet search results. For example, the vitamin company “Alterna Vites” always gets its name changed to “alternatives” in a Google search. But according to Watkins, there are some exceptions. “Spanx is really fun and playful,” she says. “I love that name. It works.”

3. Do your homework. This means making sure a company name is legally available and doesn’t translate awkwardly into other languages or is in any way offensive. Check to see that no competitors have names that are too similar. In addition, research domain names to see whether the company name is available. A company will have far more success with marketing if all pieces match. In other words, ideally, the company name should match the domain name and e-mail address, so customers can easily find the company both online and offline. “You can check with your state online and see if your name is available,” suggests David Cingari, chef and owner of David’s Soundview Catering in Stamford, Conn. Since Cingari’s business is based in Connecticut, he went straight to the Connecticut Secretary of State website and was able to search for name availability. Other states offer similar resources with links to forms that also allow you to officially register your business.

4. Your name must work online, too. According to the Small Business Administration, entrepreneurs are best served by making their domain names as close as possible to their trade names. Companies like Amazon.com and Monster.com have found success through Internet branding and marketing. Domain names aren’t registered through state or local government and are available through online services like GoDaddy.com that offer name searches to ensure your ideal company name is available and affordable. A company name that translates well into a domain name will have certain characteristics: short, memorable, not easily confused with others, nearly impossible to misspell, related to the business name and mission statement and resonate with the target audience. “If you want to name your business something, and the domain name isn’t available, it doesn’t have to be the exact name,” Watkins says. “For example, a pool company called Watermark could be watermarkpools.com or diveintowatermark.com. The idea that you can’t have a name if you can’t have the domain is the number-one misconception. We really could be eatmywordsnaming.com. So much of bad naming is driven by domain names, but that shouldn’t be a huge concern. It should be more about branding.”

5. Consider legal requirements. The SBA also advises entrepreneurs to be careful about the legal requirements of their particular type of business before naming it. Choosing a business name goes beyond being creative and knowing your customers. You need to determine which type of business structure you’ll use — sole proprietorship, limited liability company (LLC), general partnership, C corporation or sub chapter S corporation — and figure out your limitations for naming. For example, in some states, unless filing another name as a trade name or pseudonym, a sole proprietor has to use his or her own name as the business name. You’ll also need to decide whether you’ll use the full name you choose for your business as the official trade name, or shorten it. If you want to go nationally or internationally with your company one day, you also need to research beyond your immediate area for other companies that might have the same or similar names, as some businesses only file their names locally.